I got the brilliant idea today to write about where I am because I feel like that is all I have. These are raw feelings with no other purpose than to share and express myself. So here goes….
I wonder if you ever tried your hardest for 20 years to achieve something and failed. If you ever experienced how that crippled your hope and self-confidence. I wonder if you ever felt utterly defeated and broken down to nothing. I wonder if you ever lost all your hope and belief and trust and no matter what anybody tried to say it could not be restored.
I wonder if you ever felt compelled to write down your heart because you were so consumed by rage that you didn`t trust yourself to converse with anybody. Because if they say the wrong word you might snap and snap at them.
I wonder if you ever felt stuck. Knowing you want something but too fearful to try one more time. Tormented by the pain and failure of past trying.
I wonder if you ever broke down, asking why it`s so hard for somebody to just love you.
I wonder if you ever felt like nobody in the world understands you. That you are trapped in these feelings by yourself.
I wonder if you ever wondered why the man who claims to love you and says you are “One in 7 billion” and lists all the ways that you are a Goddess STILL won`t commit to you. (Yes, we just took a turn into typical romantic relationship drama, is that not where all the problems of the world stems from? The fracture between man and woman that passes down to children and multiplies? )
I wonder if you ever wondered why the man who says you are “One in a million”, WHO PURSUED YOU, turns around and acts like you are BOTHERING him and YOU are the source of the problem when HE is the one who came behind you.
(SIDEBAR: This is a specific irritation I have with men who do NOT WANT TO love you properly, and do not have purpose for you, but want to pursue you and awaken your emotions for them, and then want to turn around, gaslight you and act like you are the problem. Females also do this, but I am a straight woman, so my experience is dealing with men and my experience is what I can speak to.)
NO MORE ! You will not come here to stir up things, then try to make me look crazy. I AM DONE WITH IT.
…I wonder if you ever wondered what it feels like to be married to somebody who really cares about you. What does that feel like?
My therapist told me to “Visualize it” (Rolling my eyes) and I could not.
I wonder if you ever searched for answers so deeply that you inquired about your mother, and your father, and your grandparents, and your great grandparents, to find out from whence this curse came.
If you ever turned to them and saw no love relationship which you would voluntarily take pattern after.
I wonder if you ever realized you are in this alone, that you are undoing the past as far back as you can see. I wonder if you ever realized you were born in darkness (I think sometimes of Freetown`s album title) , aspiring to something you have never seen, that is not in your DNA, aspiring to things that nobody in your family can speak to you of.
Realized you were alone at sea, with no map, just your heart, hope, your instincts and GOD.
I wonder if you know what it feels like to monitor your thoughts EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY DAY because you are walking anger and you don`t want to rip someone`s head off. (At least that shred of sanity and self coherence with regard to human interaction you still have.)
I wrote several pages in my journal today. This is two pages of it. Subsequent posts will come as I type out more. I have to write and share, it is all I have at this point.
If you comment and I don`t reply, please don`t take it personally. I am very randomly triggered right now and these are sensitive topics. I will only reply if I can do so from a loving place.
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