The blog post I don`t want to write, but I must.
Please be warned, this blog post is very long, so you may want to prepare mentally for it.
I wish this was a dream. I wish I would wake up any day now and this not be my reality, but 2 months in and no such luck. It`s real.
I contracted an STD. Herpes to be specific.
I was and am devastated.
Several persons who I have told said “that`s not a big deal”, as this particular STD affects billions of people and many persons are able to function relatively okay with it.
On one hand, I appreciate them because I know they are trying to make me feel better, and it does, so thank you lovely people. On the other hand, it has also made me wonder about human sensitivities and the level of numbness that we collectively have, that something like this is not jarring, it was certainly jarring for me. But then again I am starting to think I am a “Highly Sensitive Person”, so there`s that, but that`s for another day.
Nevertheless, them not being overly dramatic about it did make me feel better so I am still appreciative.
But back to the numbness, numbness is how I arrived here. Numbness to my own feelings and desires.
I have been through many emotions in the last two months, grief, devastation, sadness, resignation, SHAME, REGRET, ANGER.
What I have experienced is what many persons have experienced when something in their life turned out drastically different than they had hoped, when you find yourself in a place you never imagined you`d be, and not in a good way. It makes you question the entire structure of your framework towards life. You reassess who you are and your self perception. It is shattering (I understand how Ciara felt before she met Russell). I don`t actually know how I am withstanding this. I guess I`m strong or something.
With my new explorations into trauma over the last few years, how it affects us and impacts our minds , perceptions, beliefs and behaviours, the shattering has been a keen reckoning with my own trauma. At different moments I have caught myself tending to disintegration and dissociating from my reality and the information, not wanting to absorb it – because it is so traumatizing, devastating, painful- something I am sure I have done many times in my life till now.
The thing about an STD also is the shame. If you get some sort of “illness” or disease” but it`s something “spontaneous” or “hereditary”, you receive something closer to pure pity, empathy, compassion. With an STD, those feelings are mixed in with judgement….questioning. After all, this is something “preventable based on the person`s actions”.
The suffering comes in different parts…the actual diagnosis, the fear of judgement, the personal shame, the judgement of yourself.
It`s very sad.
I am writing this because I feel compelled to. I read something recently…..”SECRETS ARE LIES”, it stood out to me. I just want to be transparent. I don`t want to feel like any part of me is hidden away. It`s too difficult to be a segmented person. So this is me, this is all of me, I have no secrets.
Some would say that if I kept this to myself it would not be a big deal. That it is not necessarily a matter of “secrecy” but personal privacy to which everyone is entitled. I get that also. I just feel like I must. Maybe I am too truthful for my own good. I just feel this compulsion to be naked. I don`t want any secrets and I don`t want to feel like I am trying to hide anything.
I will write more about this in other articles and I will talk about it on my platform in different ways going forward.
I just feel happy because I am free.
If you read up to this point thank you and I love you.
If you comment and I don`t reply, I`m still in my feelings about it even though I decided to write this post so please don`t take it personally. ( And yes I know that may also seem strange, why write about it if you don`t want to talk to people if they comment about it. I know it doesn`t make sense. But I don`t make sense right now, I`m emotional.)
Sending love to you wherever you are and the journey continues.